Commando: Welcome to 2010! Only one and a half year till I (probably) start the next NC run. Well Schwarzenegger month is here and first is Commando. Yes, Arnold is great. More than Van Damme and even Chuck Norris. He celebrates a icon of what is the greatest invention the cinema has ever produced. Action Heroes. But he's quintessential as he did so much more... The movie opens with garbage. Oh great. Then a man come in and he gets shot. And he goes to the car dealer then a shipyard... then Arnold! Lumberjack song later, deer? Then Ice Cream? Whatever, general comes in. Normal? We need to move. Under the bed? Secret room? Good job, gold medal! Now, Jackass. No guns! President of ? of Jenny? I will never say it again... Yes. CSI... So dramatic... maybe it's Mr. Bean. Dead tired... funny. Stalker or Arnold or the seat... Arnold as a kid... (horror later) Horner is so subtle... like the Titanic! Police? they're stupid. Mall Cop Academy 8: Night with Arnold. (I can't make clever quips.) On the level... So Arnold and Chris Tucker test gravity. No splash. Only works twice. Also works twice in porno. He try to... ah whatever... They sell a bazooka. Canoe with wigs and Bill Paxton. And Arnold in speedo in apparently 80's music video. Classic scene. Milano is nifty. Bullet-proof man! Bullet-deflects to any man's heart. Inner psycho orgasm! Silly face contest! Arnold... steamy. Thank you, military. End credit! Cool with cliche.
Junior: Now to explore his child-liking part... Arnold's pregnant. Arnold in the library? A baby? Pissing pants and baby. Arnold is a scientist? (Laughter) It's not a tumor. Emma Thompson and dinosaurs. Man test. Wall of text? Hello Nurse! Cue the scream! Best moment. Vomit continues... Devito and... who are you two? Lifetime of... unpleasantness. No punch? Louie, but not funny. Find the joke again? Oh... Aerosmith. Crying and needy little, pregnancy is boring. Soooooo boring... Something needs... dream sequence really? Pointless songs is your thing! I like how inventive Critic needs to go on lack of material. Arnold dressed as a girl? We have Arnold! Pop song? Dis... why? What? Penis pregnancy? Weird casting choice, but his son directed Juno... hmmm...
Conan the Barbarian: Conan ... not O'Brien. Mako Worship! Howard, it is not. What does Clarkson and Conan have in common... Sword is on your side...NI! Woah, hot girl. Oh, she's my type. Children in wheel of torture! Thank goodness, he got better. Wheel pushing makes a good fighter. Golden star! Crystal skull? Crom? Steel? Hm. Snakes... More Indiana Jones? Bed Scene later... story is already bad. Travel the land... good music here. Stone ripoff... just gonna stand here. Random Jewish joke and Eric Idle (oh, that means you're in a bad movie!) And here's Mako! Bye, Crystal! Now... Jar Jar Binks? Oh, Snake! Fire a snake? Home Alone again... Al Crumb? He's fine. Do you want to live forever...? Um... Darth Vader? Head-rolling... to...
Conan the Destroyer: Red Sonja? Comedy relief? oh god. Nets? Hello? California, Malaria and a camel. Good. Weird destiny? Virginity? Sacrificed... men want experience... May-Day? Horse-tail...Link, really? Castle in the swamp built by Daniel? Today's book Conan by Robert E. Howard. Mirror? Taking that sword and pain and we crash. Girly talk with May-Day. Club bashing... no. This is all part of trying to make her a virgin., right? okay. Castle No. 2: kill! Ding-Ding! Chipmunk... To Death! Save the girl, ah swamp thing. Strange. Credit, yeah. Weird fashion again. Worship again. Of course, California. Epically stupid, but fun!
End of Days: In the Carter Years... Da Vinci code before Snake blood. Blowing stuff and Cesar Sozi... Daniel Bern is... Monster Devil and a Ex-cop as Arnold! After kjldfkjlsdfkjld drink, Get to the Chopper or whatever. Arnold puppet show! Oh, he's fine. Bum priest? No tongue, no problem. Cat!!! Cat!!! Lucky guess. Cheeseball? Human jenga, very fragile... or is it? Yes. And drive-thru confessions. Movie trailer quote priest later, don't lock the door. Osmosis Sex later, bum priest crucifix? Why argue? CAT!!! Don't shoot him. Pointless breast and Spanish inquisition. Dramatic stab! Watch her blog at Imthemotherofantichristanddevilisouttheretohavesexwithme.blogspot.com Step-mother beats Arnold? 999? Herman Cain is the Devil... Major calculation error later, no one else in that moment... 255 of you disagree. No deal makes devil angry and... that's how you fool devil? Guess he didn't see movies enough. Shame on you, movie... crucified twice. Loading again. No one in the train and devil sucks. Just turn quickly... She fells like the devil inside! You shall not pass and power of love later. Santa Christ! I love you.
Battlefield Earth: Clip Show, I don't think so! Ma-Ti demands Battlefield Earth! So, yea. Scientology creator Hubbard's book of insanity turn to a insane movie. Psychlo...and gold. Hello, Dutch shot. Look at the character shouting over... whatever. What? Curtain wipe later, Johnny finds outsiders. Marketing statues an gods. Not particularly false. And...Jamaican Klingons. Oh, Travolta. Wipe us. Dog is superior joke... funny. Repeating myself and Nyquil dream. Least he does one job done. Spell your name! Funny. Goofy! Oh Spoony. I love you. Terl acting lessons, $15! Pecking order fight! Big hypocrisy! Your body is already the laughingstock. Human? Psychlo is a world of plot holes... just teaching the language... well, the Americans... Ricola! Technology lasted nine minutes... hmmm... They shoot cows, don't they? Yes, we can... hold our unrealistic promises. Oh, good job. Disaster impending and psychlo are too dumb to notice. And just some pictures for security. Really? Thousand years? One pussy later, Oh great... Fort Knox? Jimmy Neutron like fast-laering? Radioactive clouds...? Oh great. Psychlo is a physical plot hole. Hubbard is dumber than Meyer... Critic is gone chipmunk. Moving fast? Commando moment. Brilliant. Oh, fighter jet. Happy hunting! Death-stared! Oh, the irony... Bad movie! Bad! Critic good. Very good.
Bebe's Kids: Follow-up to the video game review. Robin Harris's stand-up later, blind barter. Funeral start. And some love grows in Jamicka. Funworld has three kids. Tone Loc again? Get on with it. Black stewie and other go to Funworld with Matrix security, lot of gifts and weird rules. Birth Control ads for a pointless moment. Epic line. Ex-wife without breast? Stand-up and the loop de loop. Puke later, hosing down the kid scene gives love. Good with them. Music scene... BLAM classic. A kiss later, trip of children's chaos. More rapping... Ice and Kazaam needed to balance the white. We have attitude. Lipstick on the water... building and president and... what? Just weird. Rap again? Carlton's justice rap! Freedom to destroy! Two women going after the man isn't surreal enough... Your Mama... story's back... or not. Ditch... not possible. It's sad, they only need a daddy... Las Vegas... really? Good animation. But that's just only good thing. Other than the review.
Lost in Space: Wanna see some spiders? No. Well, too bad. Critic's in the shower. Another trailer trap. 2058...just 48 years till world peace. Terrorist? War again... LeBlanc is hamster. William Hurt is just dull. Immediate boredom. This mission sucks... all helium diet? Oh stop. Facebook and YouTube with an annoying girl? Well, Gary Oldman. Desert? Let's virtually move the plot! Burn. Wide-angle knockout and swimsuits. Yeah. Hitting while the father is right there. Yeah. Charlie's angel... announce the objective and no breakfast! No feeling...no Ahhh... Sun!!!!!! Hyperspace freeze frame! What? Tight space, isn't it. Pick Google Galaxy. Idiots... Doctor and suppository. Years in the future. Hello, Blarf. Deserted. Animate life? Killer spider! Nintendo Wuss... Fly over! Threatening dull drawl. I like you. Penny and Blarf on the cloud in the voice range. Character development? In this movie? Really? Horny skunk? Supersonic woah! Time machine? I love you, wife... mumble. Will from the future... time machine... I'm going home... Dr. Smith? Really... Gun? Really... Time Machine... future spider self... Kill himself? Forget logic and heart? Really? Cliche! Hallmark card logic later, Dr smith is saved... take over... hey, bison long time! Dead family! Music need to act? Time travel... ah whatever. Credits is heinous... late minute time travel plus spider (I love Critic's Dr. Smith, by the way) will never work. Time travel must have thoughts! Next movie.
Top 11 villain songs: But first Top 11. 11-Nice little diddy 10- muppet version are top5 of any adaptation. 9- Randy Newman got this through. 8- Sondheim is great. Rickman and Depp is great. 7- Curry is fun. Martin was on little shop of horror? 6-Rasputin singing? Sold. 5- poor,unfortunate soul is Menken. It's classy. Like a platonic idea of a song. Too ideal at some point but you have to admire. 4-Chicago? Zeta Jones? Eh. 3- Be prepared. Hitler allusion and a little monotone but and weird rhythn is fine. 2-Mr. Toad?feel like haunted mansion... and you see Eric Idle so yeah... movie not so great. 1- resolute and thoughtful... leading to a crazy conclusion. I think of Cabaret... for some reason.
Quest for Camelot: Last one and one of my favorites. Weird actors come together for this weird movie. Kayley is the name. (Wednesday?) To Camelot! Monty Python... and random shouting! Gary Oldman has a bad agent. Spiders... Kayley's horse is a part MP3 (foreshadowing) and Kayley grows up to be a Belle. Monster plants! Ricola! Excalibur is stolen (in horn) Singing... oh great. Acme, axe? Android! Guard just let them go. Really? Warriors of Virtue? I know the song, Prayer? It's... almost like Prayer is a Breakaway Pop hit or I like to call it... The Dog House Song. Dog House refer to Baha Men's one-hit Who let the dogs out. Which was made for Rugrats in Paris... how many knew that? Anyway, scene doesn't fit... Sin City fits better! Going after the sword. It pays to have balls. Gary Elwes turn into Clay Aiken? Moving Plants? Mythology doesn't fit... and it's pointless. Oh Sonic... Two-headed dragons... by Idle and Riggles. Oh great. You clap to that. Song has no purpose! Song again? Talent scout at deathbed? Healing Plant??? Explain! Rockbiter... really. Ogre's butt. Oh great. Model... bad model, too. Oh, now you're Dasmel in Distress. Chicken turn into a good guy? What? Oh, now you cause a nuclear explosion. Clucky? Oh. Magic happenes and riverdance. It is a silly place. Not you kill Disney characters. This movie is so horrible. One of the best review.
